AIM Cullen Style! Formerly CIM
by courtney-catastrophe
Summary: My attempt at humor through the classic 'IM with the Cullens'. Please R&R! :D Rated M for 'suggestive themes' and language!
1. KingMuscles Slips Up

**CIM**

**(A/N) **So I know the whole 'IM with the Cullens' has been done 42084753247 times. But, as this is my first attempt at a funny fanfiction, I figured I'd start with this, but with a few small twists. PS- This is my attempt at humor. I won't take offence if you don't find it funny. And before people go complaining, some things WILL be OOC. Not all of it, hence the first part sounding normal. Mostly it's just slight language that Steph's charries would never use. Maybe Edward's 'slip-up' at the end of this chapter... etc.

Oh, one more thing, after this chapter, it's going to be set up like the 'TTYL' book series. For those who have not read it, the TTYL series is written COMPLETELY in IM. They inquire about day's events and such through their IM conversations, to clear that up!

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Twilight. Stephenie Meyer owns these wonderful characters I have so pathetically tried to control. Although, Emmett owns my soul. -melts-**

**KingMuscles Slips Up**

**BELLA POV**

Edward and I sat in his silver Volvo, speeding towards the Cullen household. His hand, as usual, was clasping mine in my lap as he drove, a smile on his dazzling face.

My eyes flickered away, unwillingly, from his features, and out the right side window, where the sight of that vile Mike Newton caught my attention. He waved frantically, and even started chasing the car. I rolled my eyes, and Mike slowed, realizing that Edward was driving much too fast. _Not like he could catch us at normal speed either..._

My thought was interupted when I saw the morose look Edward had.

"Edward?" I said, softly, giving his hand a small squeeze of encouragement.

He sighed once before answering. "Carlisle, Esme, Alice and I are going hunting tomorrow. Since Alice and I have skipped the last two hunting trips the family has made, I'm afraid I can't stay here, and Carlisle and Esme are getting rather thirsty as well."

My deep chocolate brown eyes locked onto his hungry, black ones. "Edward. Don't feel bad. I know you have to go. I just wish I wouldn't have to be left with Emmett, Rose, and Jasper." I grimaced, thinking of pranks they would pull in Edward's absence.

"Where's Charlie headed off to?" He inquired, slightly cocking his head to one side.

"Fishing with Billy," I rolled my eyes. "Where else?"

Edward's expression lightened just a tad. He raised our intertwined hands, running his hand down the length of my jaw and back up, causing the skin in his path to overheat. Immeadiately, a flush came to my cheeks, and Edward couldn't hold back a chuckle at my reaction. I heard him mumble something that sounded suspiciously like 'silly, overreacting Bella', but we had just pulled up to the house.

As always, the beauty of their home stunned me, and only Edward unbuckling me from his car pulled me back into the present. I flushed deeper, forever glad he couldn't hear just how many times a day my mind wandered and I daydreamed.

As soon as I was on my feet and out of the car, Emmett came bursting through the front door, a shiny laptop in his hands, and a very flustered look on his face.

"BELLA! How in hell do you work this... this AIM?!" He said, thrusting the laptop into my arms. He crossed his arms over his chest, and Alice and Rosalie came out to greet us as well.

I walked around, sitting on the hood of the Volvo, and cracked my knuckles. "Let's see here, Emmett. First, what do you want your username to be?"

He broke out into a grin, and proclaimed, "KingMuscles". Apparently, he had already thought of a screenname for himself. Rolling my eyes, I typed it in, and closed my eyes to let him create his password.

His grin grew more pronounced as it signed him in, and "Welcome, King Muscles" came from the laptop speakers. "What do you want an AIM for, anyways Emmett?" I couldn't help but ask.

A serious look dawned his face. "Well. I've been bored around here lately," The next part he said in a dramatic whisper, "and lookin' for a new lady for the late nights." And winked at me twice.

Rosalie shot Emmett a look that could only be construed as murder, racing inside. Emmett burst into laughter, and then surprize came over us all as a small 'ding' came from the speaker, and the screen read '**BarbieDoesntEvenCompare joined the chat**'.

A low chuckle escaped Edward's lips. "It looks like Rose already has one too!" He said, patting Emmett on the back. "Don't worry, from her thoughts, it would sound like you won't _miss out_ on anything planned for tonight." He said, rolling his eyes and laughing again.

Emmett didn't answer though, and his eyes had a mischievous gleam to them. I tried to peek at what he was doing, but he moved the screen out of view. I pouted, jutting my bottom lip out and making my eyes the size of saucers, but he just cracked a smile and continued typing.

Finally, Alice clued us in, through a fit of laughter. "Hah... it would seem that... hahah... YOU now have an AIM too... hahah... Edward... or should I say EternallyUntaintedEddie..." and that's when Alice and Emmett both burst into hysterics and Edward took the laptop with a snarl, his screenname already signed in.

Another small 'ding' chimed, and a messaged flashed in the chatbox.

**BarbieDoesntEvenCompare:** lol i assume im chatting with you, edward? love the screenname... it fits you so well!

Edward practically had smoke coming from his ears at this point. With a flick of his fingers, he replied,

**EternallyUntaintedEddie:** Just because I don't beg Emmett to bang me every night, with a HOUSEHOLD OF VAMPIRES to hear, doesn't mean squat.

Alice flashed me a smile, and stole Edward's cell phone from his back pocket, and in his current state of anger, he didn't notice. Emmett was dying, already catching on to the plan. She shook with silent laughter, as I read over her shoulder that she was rigging his phone to IM through texts. She quickly sent one, knowing Edward would catch her after the first one.

**EternallyUntaintedEddie:** Im sorry rose. Im just jealous because I dont get any action. Please forgive me. I DO have a lot of tension built up... sexual tension that is!

I couldn't stand it, and I burst out laughing as Edward heard in Alice's thoughts what had happened, and snatched his phone back, ready to explode. Emmett was doubled over in laughter, and gave Alice a high five.

Two 'ding's, and another 2 messages appeared.

**BarbieDoesntEvenCompare:** of course i forgive u, dear brother. no one can help the fact your only remedy for getting turned on is a cold shower!

**EmosHaveMoreFun joined the chat.**

I raised an eyebrow at Alice, and she and Edward together said, "Jasper."

One more 'ding'. One more message appearing on the screen.

**EmosHaveMoreFun:** Aww come on guys. SexEddie is sending so much anger to me that i'm having troubles not hitting something. And it'd probably be one of you that i hit!

Apparently, Edward was fed up with this method of communication for the time being, and typed one more thing before handing the laptop to Emmett.

**EternallyUntaintedEddie:** Let's see how many of your deep dark secrets I keep to myself after THIS! I bet everyone would love Jasper's red lace thong he likes to try on because he thinks it makes his ass look 'pretty', Emmett's favorite song is "My Milkshakes", Alice asked Carlisle if breast implants were possible (which, sadly for her, ARE NOT!), and Rosalie has a picture of Bella just inside the back of her mirror to get her through the day. HAPPY EVERYONE?!

**EternallyUntaintedEddie has signed out of the chat.**

--

**(A/N)** PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me if you liked the first chapter! That didn't have nearly the amount of comedy the rest will have, if it's any reassurance. This was mainly for you, my readers, to get a feel for it, and set up the stage for the next chapter. If I get 5 positive reviews, I'll post a second chapter tomorrow!

PS- Remember, all (well...most... there might be a time where I need to cut to the real life. Heh.) future chapters will be COMPLETELY written in IM. So this is the 'boring' chapter, so to speak.

PPS- I also would love suggestions/ideas/constructive critism! :D

xoxo,  
Courtney


	2. Trees Just LOVE Emmett!

**CIM**

**(A/N) **I got 4 reviews so far. So I said 'Hell with the review count. I have 41 hits, and they want more!'. So. Here it is, the second chappie!

Review:

**EternallyUntaintedEddie** is Edward.

**KingMuscles** is Emmett.

**BarbieCantEvenCompare **is Rosalie.

**EmosHaveMoreFun** is Jasper.

Annnnnd then, Bella is **VeryLastHuman**, Alice is **ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**,and I'll reveal others to you as the time comes. HEH.

**DISCLAIMER: If I was really the owner of these fantastic creatures... I wouldn't be here. I'd be taking advantage of the-, I meaaaan I'd be enjoying a nice ol' cup o tea with them... yeaaaah... heh. :D**

**Without further ado...**

**Trees Just Love Emmett!**

--

**KingMuscles** **joined the chat**

**BarbieCantEvenCompare joined the chat**

**EmosHaveMoreFun** **joined the chat**

**KingMuscles:** where is everyone?

**BarbieCantEvenCompare:** if u payd an OUNZ of attenson to sumthing bsides how good my chest looks in dis shirt, ud kno dat edward and alice are gon hunting, and im calling bella 2 get her lazy ass on rite naow!

**KingMuscles:** ...o. -chuckles-

**EmosHaveMoreFun: **Emmett, you do know that when you type an action, youre not realllly supposed to do it, right?

**BarbieCantEvenCompare:** MY HUSBANDS A RETARD! em. sry 2 tel u... but tonite... u arent getin any... -snicker-

**VeryLastHuman joined the chat**

**VeryLastHuman:** What did I miss guys?

**EmosHaveMoreFun:** hmm. nothing like eddie's 'episode' yesterday. xD just rosalie taunting her dear husband..

**KingMuscles:** COME ON BABY! YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME! I NEEEED YOU!! :(

**VeryLastHuman:** emmett...

**BarbieCantEvenCompare: **nop. 2 late em. the only sho ur gunna get is a shoWER wif pamala HANDerson! hahahahahahahahaha suck fo u!

**VeryLastHuman:** guys?! THIS ISN'T FAIR TO MY POOR HUMAN VIRGIN EYES! 00

**KingMuscles:** come onnnnnn rose! you know i laughed for effect! i cant satisfy myself... i need you... and your body... OH COME ON PLEASE ROSE?!

**EmosHaveMoreFun: **...00

**VeryLastHuman:** ...00

**BarbieCantEvenCompare: **hah u and ur mind got u into ...THAT... u can get urself out of it! :)

**EternallyUntaintedEddie joined the chat from a mobile device**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice joined the chat from a mobile device**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice: **Why do I see Emmett trying to rape a tree later??

**VeryLastHuman: **00

**BarbieDoesntEvenCompare: **WUT THE HELL EM?! U CANT HAV ME 4 A NIGHT AND SUDDENLY YOU WUNNA PUL DA MOVES ONA TREEE?!

**KingMuscles: **ROSE! i can explain...

**EmosHaveMoreFun: **TREES WOOD! THATS WHY EMMETTS BEEN HOLDING OUT ON YOU TODAY ROSE! HE FIGURED OUT HIS NEW INTEREST! HAHAHAHAH!

**EternallyUntaintedEddie: **...I'm going to go now...

**EternallyUntainedEddie has signed out of the chat**

**KingMuscles: **ROSE!! DOn't believe him! hes lying! i love the feel of... you! not a tree! and especially not wood! come on roseeee! i love you!

**BarbieDoesntEvenCompare: **Dnt try it em.

**BarbieDoesntEvenCompare has signed out of the chat**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice: **EMMETT! DONT YOU DARE LAY A FINGER ON MY JAZZY!

**KingMuscles: **WELL IM NOT THE ONE THAT WEARS A THONG IN A MIRROR! THATS YOUR 'JAZZY'!!

**EmosHaveMoreFun: **are we forgetting the singing we all had to hear from you last night, emmett? "my milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard" while dancing naked on the couch tends to be scarring.

**EmosHaveMoreFun has signed out of the chat**

**VeryLastHuman: **...that was interesting... better go save those trees from emmett... xD

**VeryLastHuman has signed out of the chat**

**KingMuscles has signed out of the chat**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice: **Dammit...

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice has signed out of the chat**

--

**(A/N)** Yes. I promise there IS a plot along here... somewhere lost in my innuendo and hysterical fits of laughter... hahahahahah...

love you reviewers! :D

Oh, and sorry for the short chapter. I'm trying to show the plot, a LITTLE, without giving it away... and

PS- I also would love suggestions/ideas/constructive critism! :D

xoxo always,  
Courtney


	3. Authors note! READ!

**A/N**

**Not a new chapter, just notifying my 7 (or however many it is now ;.;) viewers that I'm alive. ******

**It's been so long since I've thought about this story, all thought about any plot has deserted me. I apologize. ******

**SO, this story is strictly humor now. :D**

**I'll get to updating later this week. ANNND be on the look-out for a new story coming soon. Mainly non-cannon fluff and such, but that story will have an actual plot, I promise you. XD**

**Your loving author,**

**Courtney.**

**Ps- I only have internet every other week, so I should get to updating about every Friday? And if your lucky, more than that occasionally !**

**Adios for now.**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------**


	4. The Prank

**AIM – Cullen Style**

**(A/N)**

As a review:

**EternallyUntaintedEddie** is Edward.  
**KingMuscles** is Emmett.  
**BarbieCantEvenCompare **is Rosalie.  
**EmosHaveMoreFun** is Jasper.  
**VeryLastHuman** is Bella.  
**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice** is Alice.

Annd, my 'o' key is going out. -.-  
So, just let me know if there's a typo, and If I feel it's needed, I'll fix it. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Twilight. But, I do own a laptop, and a small imagination. :)

**EmosHaveMoreFun joined the chat.**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice joined the chat.**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice:** Jazzy. I love you. :)

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: i love you to, Ali. :)

**KingMuscles joined the chat from a mobile device.**

**KingMuscles**: aww i love you too guys. –huggles-!

**EternallyUntaintedEddie joined the chat.**

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: I hate you guys for my chatname. -.- Jasper, are these devious plans I'm hearing?

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: ali, edward, i think emmett needs more practice controlling his emotions as well. hehe.

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**: Jazz, I got it. :) I have to go… set up. Have fun later, Emmy!

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice has signed out of the chat.**

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Haha, love the plan, Jasper. I'm on the phone telling Bells about later. Good thing you're hunting right now, Em! –chuckle-

**KingMuscles**: am i gonna have to break some heads later? :/

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: no promises, em. :D

**KingMuscles is away. Automatic response: too busy plotting revenge to talk to you giant bags of douche. tell bella to sleep with her eyes open…**

**VeryLastHuman joined the chat.**

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Hey, love.

**VeryLastHuman**: oohh oohh can I help with the plan? Can I? :DDD

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: hm. idk. can she Edward? can she play with the big dogs?

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Well, she plays with Jake all the time, and he actually is a big dog, so why not? :P

**VeryLastHuman**: hmpf. not funny Edward. texting jake!

**FuzzyWuzzy joined the chat.**

**FuzzyWuzzy**: bellz, why didnt you let me pick my own name? -.- HAHA at least im not eternallyuntaintededdie, i guess…

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: know what im thinking? FUZZY WUZZY WAS A BEAR!

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: FUZZY WUZZY HAD NO HAIR!

**VeryLastHuman**: so I see we're 5 again. Edward, jasper, act your age, not your dick length.

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: …fuzzywuzzywasntfuzzywashe…

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Hey now! Don't bring Little Jazzy into this. He feels inadequate. And I must be acting quite a bit older than Jasper then…

**FuzzyWuzzy**: -cackle- hm. i bet I could beat both of you. no contest.

**VeryLastHuman**: I DID NOT MEAN FOR THIS TO TURN INTO A CONTEST. O.O

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: well, my plans for emmy are here. g2g :) (and edward knows i'm bigger than he!)

**EmosHaveMoreFun has signed out.**

**FuzzyWuzzy**: don't worry eddiekins, I'm bigger than you both. Peace!

**FuzzyWuzzy has signed out.**

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Pssh. -.- He is not. –grumble-

**DrSexyTime joined the chat.**

**DrSexyTime**: Why're there chicken feathers in the back yard? Do I want to know?

**VeryLastHuman**: prank on emmett.

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Carlisle, that's phase 3 of our little payback scheme.

**DrSexyTime**: Just be careful. You know Emmett doesn't like getting pranked… But I have to show Esme. :) Have fun, and watch out when he figures out what's going on! Hehe…

**DrSexyTime has signed out of the chat.**

**VeryLastHuman**: will he really be that angry?

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Yes. But, after he having my shower spray koolaid (yes, it dyes vampire skin as well.), tackling me into walls for a week straight (Carlisle had fun playing Handy man after those incidents), exchanging all my clothes with printed loin cloths, and sending Tanya a letter with my name telling her I wanted to have my way with her (in detail, there was something about a swing, and whips. O.O), he needs to be taught a lesson, the Cullen way.

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice joined the chat on a mobile device.**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**: GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE! Plan Cah Caw is ago!

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice has signed out.**

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Come on Bella, you can't exactly help, but you can watch. :)

**VeryLastHuman**: alright! Cya in a few, on my way over. :)

**EternallyUntaintedEddie has signed out.**

**VeryLastHuman has signed out.**

**-2 hours later-**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice joined the chat from a mobile device.**

**EternallyUntaintedEddie joined the chat from a mobile device.**

**EmosHaveMoreFun joined the chat from a mobile device.**

**DrSexyTime joined the chat from a mobile device.**

**MotherDearest joined the chat.**

**VeryLastHuman joined the chat.**

**BarbieCantEvenCompare joined the chat from a mobile device.**

**KingMuscles is away. Automatic response: I hope none of the Cullens had plans living much longer – fuck you alllll. -.- (Oh, I'll get you back.)**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**: good job guys! He didn't know what hit him! –cackle-

**MotherDearest**: What all happened? 'DrSexyTime' told me to stay inside..

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: Well, we all hid in the trees in the forest.

**BarbieCantEvenCompare**: an i yelld 2 em that i wuz hurt. teehee.

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: and alice gave us each a supply, and told us how many exact seconds to count before throwing our designated item at the target, rooster man, aka em.

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**: I gave Carlisle the first item, honey, and had him hide right behind where Rosalie was standing, 'hurt'.

**BarbieCantEvenCompare**: thn wen emm showd up, i told him i wuz kidding an jus wantd to have some 'private time' wit him. and quickly he got undressd… teehee… then i ran like mad thru that forest.

**DrSexyTime**: Emmett obviously tried to follow the object of his affection through the forest, too lust-filled to pay any attention to his surroundings, and I threw the honey.

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: i had the feathers, a few yards up the path, waiting for the time to throw.

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: I was mainly the distraction, I imitated Rose's voice and called from a little ahead of him whenever he slowed down.

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**: when I knew emmett would be right in front of me, I flung the yellow paint at his feet, as Jazz threw enough feathers to cover 40 chickens down on his head.

**BarbieCantEvenCompare**: i hid until emm was stund frum da fethers, and i put a glove on his head, and yeld 'BUACK!!!' and we all yanked our phones out, took pics of nekkid emm dresd lyk a chicken, an sent thm 2 all da kids frum forks, and of corse set thm as our walpapers. teehee!

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: And then, of course, we ran. And that's why we're all on our cells. Hahaha!

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**: He's already planning revenge. We got him, good.

VeryLastHuman: at least i'm safe. :) i didn't do anything!

**MotherDearest**: …O.O You guys pulled that off? I'm impressed. Come home whenever Alice sees that Emmett has cooled off enough… if ever. ;)

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: well… the guy IS addicted to rose. hahaha.

**EternallyUntaintedEddie**: SHIT EMMETT! Alice, why didn't you see this? BYE!

**EternallyUntaintedEddie has signed out.**

**EmosHaveMoreFun**: i should probably go help…

**EmosHaveMoreFun has signed out.**

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice**: …hehe… WHY IS JASPER WEARING THAT DAMN THONG AGAIN?! ugh.

**ShoppingIsMySportOfChoice has signed out. **

**BarbieCantEvenCompare**: I shuld go.. cleen cockadoodledoo off now. ;D

**BarbieCantEvenCompare has signed out.**

**DrSexyTime**: I'll be home soon, sweetie.

**DrSexyTime has signed out.**

**VeryLastHuman**: We should get ready for their (messy) return… -sigh-

**VeryLastHuman has signed out.**

**MotherDearest has signed out.**

**(A/N) **

**I made this chapter longer, happy? :)**

**5 pages of awesome. It didn't have as many funny little things, but I thought the prank would make up for it.**

**R&R please! And tell me what you think the next few chapters should be about!**

**Thanks!**

**Xoxo,**

**Courtney.**

**Ps- New poll on my profile! Go check it out! :D**


	5. Sorry folks,

A/N

I don't know when I'll be updating this story next.

I'm hardcore addicted to my new story, Many Shades Of Black.  
You should go check it out. :D While this story is purely for shits and giggles, that has a plot –gasp-, and still includes ze funnehs! :D

Soooo, I'm really neglecting this story. Sorry. I haven't really been in the mood to write pure comical shit, and I definitely don't have enough time on my hands to write a (good) chapter for this and a chapter for MSOB in the same week.

In summary, go read my other story. Tell others about it.

Kthnxbai.

xoxo,  
Courtney.


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